Empty Nesting with Grace (Through the Power of Yoga)

Life

Ever think about who you will be once your kids leave the nest and need you a whole lot less?  I mean they will always need you but your day to day routines definitely change once everyone is gone.

I finally find myself at this “Who am I?” “My kids are all gone” crossroads in life and I have been feeling all of the feels…but I will tell you that my Yogi lifestyle has really been helping with the transition.

Let me give you my back story….

I have two boys; Till, 23 and Bjorn, 19.  My youngest  just headed off to university a few weeks ago after taking a Covid gap year…which I totally didn’t blame him for.  I mean who wants to start a new life-changing endeavour like going off to a new city, a new school, a new team (he plays lacrosse) with the hope of meeting loads of new friends and girls only to be told to stay in your dorm room and do online classes and to always have a mask on…so gap year understood and covid rant over!!

Working for a year was a great experience for him as well… and solidified the fact that he doesn’t want to “adult” just yet and hey I don’t blame him.  Given the choice I too would  hang the title up for a while.

My oldest son Till has moved in and out and in and out since he started post secondary 5 years ago but he has solidly been out of the nest for a year and a half now…living close by with his girlfriend and working in a fantastic profession that he loves..

We have always been a tight 3…my boys and I.  We called ourselves the Three Musketeers.  Their Dad and I split up when the boys were just 6 and 10 and he moved to Germany and since we live in Canada …. Well let’s just say, we didn’t share custody or do the every other weekend thing.  So it’s just been us.

So in all of the ups and downs of parenting, there has always been a film of this time in my life playing in the background.  How would I feel when I no longer identified as SUPER MOM.  What would my days look like when I didn’t hear Mom at least 57000 times a day. I know what you’re thinking, my kids aren’t babies…but they are boys and boys are kinda needy. 

I remember dropping Till off at university and while I still had Bjorn at home, man that was tough…my first kid that worked so hard to support and protect, out in this crazy world.  It was like a chink in our armour…the strong three divided.  Driving home from the drop off…I waited until Bjorn was asleep in the car (is that just a boy thing?) and cried the whole way home.

I actually couldn’t imagine my life without them by my side and I threatened …more than once to just move to university with them.  I actually at one point tried to convince Bjorn to go to the University of Scotland and I would move there with him.  If you know me at all, you know that my favourite place in the Universe is Scotland. BUT…he didn’t go for it and so here we are.

So this summer, the big change has been on my mind a lot.  I have often wondered if the change is as monumental for couples saying goodbye to their kids or is it just HUGE for us single mommas.  Not to take anything away from mom and dad teams…I just honestly don’t know.

My kids have been my number 1 priority almost every minute of every day for 23 years…so I had to wonder, how would it be when they don’t need me or see me in the morning waking up (Hey hun, good sleep?) or at night heading to bed (Night babe, love you.)

Then there is this societal pressure to feel horrible when they leave.  For the last two months, every single soul I know that knows my youngest was heading off to school has said…Oh Momma…how are you doing?  You’re going to be so sad, you’re going to be so lost, you’re going to be all alone. (And that was definitely said like a bad thing.)

So I had to wonder…how was it going to be?

Well, here’s the truth.  It did feel kinda weird and icky in the weeks leading up to his departure.  We were getting the things that he would need for his new home and that felt so foreign.  Not the helping him part but the preparing him to live his life without me.

But really, isn’t that what I have been raising them to do all along? If I stopped making this whole thing about me and my feelings and shifted my awareness to Bjorn I saw a strong independent young man getting ready to step into his own freedom and independence, to map out his own future and home..rather than just live in mine.  When I stopped thinking about my potential feelings of lack, I could see how absolutely excited he was about taking this huge leap and I could also see that thanks to my hard parenting he was ready….

So, was it hard to drop him off?  Absolutely.  Did I want to have a bawl fest?  Yep..but I didn’t because he is the youngest and he was having a tough time saying goodbye so it was my turn to be strong…just like they have been strong for me so many times.

I came home that night and thought…well I did it.  I walked down the hall and looked in the boys rooms…well I turned Bjorn’s light off because he left it on and did I feel a pang of loneliness?  Only a little one…for a second.

In yoga we learn to live in the present moment. We are taught to always let our faith prevail over our fear and so, I thought if there was ever a time to walk my talk it was right there and then when I shut that light out and said good night buddy, I love you to an empty room.

I could choose to stay in the past and be sad for what is no longer there OR I could shift my mind to the present moment and be proud of my accomplishments, of Till and Bjorn’s successes and amazing young men.

I could choose to be fearful of being alone, of not identifying any longer as 24/7 on-call Mom…or I could have faith that I will find my new path as someone who has done a great job at parenting and now has some space for more me-time and new endeavours.

I am recording this just shy of 3 weeks into my new empty nest life and this is what I know for sure….I miss Bjorn but we talk or snap chat every day…just a quick “proof of life” check in.  

I am living in the present moment and loving that I have the time to do this.  My calendar isn’t jam packed with lacrosse games or band concerts, so I can begin to think about the hobbies that I want to embrace again. Or maybe even start something new.  I am trusting that the universe has great things in store for me and if I am crying in my pillow, feeling sorry for myself for being a Mom with no kids left to consume me, well I would for sure miss those great things.

So how is empty nest life?  It is amazing!  I am so happy for my boys and so proud of the awesome men they have become.  I am happy for myself and the time that I can now give back to me…after all don’t we all deserve to focus on ourselves again at some point?

I know my job as a Mom will never be over and I’m pretty sure my boys will float in and out of the nest a few times more but for now, I am living my best life, getting used to the new quiet, the drastic decrease in laundry and the much smaller grocery shops.  I’m thinking about starting rock climbing.  Hmmm maybe I’ll do a podcast about the successes and failures of a 52 year old rock climbing newbie…who knows?